I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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