You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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