omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
