He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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