Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
