Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
