What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
