I just pynch a tree in the face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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