first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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