I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
