I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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