remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
