I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
