new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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