I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
