All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
