I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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