I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
