So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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