apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
