At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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