hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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