my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
