I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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