sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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