Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
