I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
