I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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