I can tuck mytits in my pants
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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