My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So vagazzling was a success
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
