i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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