Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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