So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
