Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
