do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
