Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
