My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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