Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I didn't notice because vodka
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
