Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
