i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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