I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
