Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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