Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So many bounce houses so little time
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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