dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
3 2 1 whiskey
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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