the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
