Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
