How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
