Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
