I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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