the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
