summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
